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We spend a lot of time being told to keep things to ourselves.
Do not say too much. Do not get too personal. Read the room. Play it cool. And never send the message that you will regret in the morning.
But after my conversation with Leslie John on the Schein On podcast, a behavioral scientist and professor at Harvard Business School, I started wondering whether we have the problem backward.
Most of us are not oversharing.
Most of us have a fear of saying too much.
This causes us to say too little.
Leslie joined me on the podcast to discuss her book, Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing, and the science behind a decision we make every day: how much of ourselves to reveal to other people. Her research examines how thoughtful self-disclosure can impact trust, connection, relationships, careers, and personal well-being.
Here are five lessons from the incredible conversation with Leslie John that stayed with me.
1. Vulnerability can be a strength
We tend to think about and treat vulnerability as weakness. Leslie’s work suggests something else. Revealing more of ourselves, when done thoughtfully, can deepen friendships, intimate relationships, and strengthen professional relationships.
The best leaders, lawyers, colleagues, spouses, and friends are not necessarily the people who reveal nothing. There is power in being confident enough to admit: I do not know. I made a mistake. This is difficult for me.
This is authenticity. Perfection may impress people. Honesty allows them to connect with us.
2. Undersharing has hidden consequences
We notice the consequences of oversharing immediately. Say too much at dinner and you may spend the rest of the night replaying the conversation in your head and playing Monday morning quarterback.
Undersharing is different. There is no immediate embarrassment because nothing happened.
That is precisely the problem.
We do not see the marriage or friendship that never deepened, the relationship that never developed, or the professional connection that remained superficial because no one took the risk of being open. Leslie’s must read book makes the case that we often underestimate the potential value of sharing more of ourselves and can miss opportunities for friendship, trust, support, and love by holding back.
3. Small talk can only take us so far
“How was your weekend?”
“Good. How was yours?”
“Good.”
Nothing is wrong with that exchange. It simply does not give either person much to work with.
Leslie and I discussed how conversations can move from small talk toward something more genuine. That does not mean giving a stranger your entire personal history. It means sharing something honest enough to create an opening.
Connection rarely appears on its own. Someone usually has to go first.
4. Long-term relationships require continued discovery
There is a dangerous assumption in long relationships that, eventually, we know everything there is to know about the other person.
But people change.
The person you married at 30 is not the same person sitting across from you at 45. Careers change. Parents age. Children arrive. Priorities shift. Fears evolve.
As a divorce lawyer, I find this particularly interesting. Relationships are not static because people are not static. Continuing to reveal what we are thinking, feeling, fearing, and hoping for gives the other person the opportunity to keep knowing us and growing with us.
Relationships can weaken not only when people stop loving each other, but also when they stop learning about each other.
5. Positive thoughts should not remain private
One of the subjects Leslie and I discussed was the power of sincere praise and feedback.
If someone did something terrific, tell that person. If your spouse looks great, say it. If a colleague gave an outstanding presentation, do not merely think it. If you are proud of your child, make sure your child hears it.
A compliment that remains inside your head does nothing for the person who deserves to receive it.
The Real Lesson
The lesson from Leslie John is not that everyone should speak with reckless abandon and without a filter. Her book addresses both sides of the decision: why we hesitate to open up, when sharing can backfire, and how to find the right balance between too much and too little.
The goal is not disclosure without limits. It is making wiser, more deliberate choices about what to share, with whom, and why.
We have become highly skilled at protecting ourselves from the embarrassment of saying too much. We may be less skilled at recognizing what we lose by saying too little.
The next time you wonder whether to admit that you do not know the answer, tell your spouse what is bothering you, give someone a sincere compliment, or turn a superficial conversation into a meaningful one, do not automatically retreat.
Sometimes saying a little more is what allows a relationship to become something more.
Listen to my full conversation with Leslie John on the Schein On podcast. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
About Evan Schein, Esq.
Evan Schein is a Partner and the Head of Litigation at Berkman Bottger Newman & Schein, a divorce and family law firm with offices in New York City, Westchester, Long Island, and New Jersey. He is an adjunct professor at Cardozo Law School. He is also the host of the Schein On podcast. Learn more about Evan at https://www.berkbot.com/attorneys/evan-d-schein/.